So, I’e been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. This might come as a shock, but…
I think I’m gay.
I say “think” because it softens the “I’m gay” part of that statement. But I’m pretty sure about this.
There were signs. Many, many signs. But, naively, I convinced myself that most other – if not all – straight women fantasize about having sex with their hot female classmates, too. Or that being turned on by thinking of two women together [as opposed to a man and a woman] was completely normal. Or that even saying, “I could date a woman. I could probably go down on a woman. I don’t see a problem with this,” is something that other heterosexual women say. Or that whole “I have a girlfriend” thing doesn’t really make me gay. [But it really kinda does.]
Yeah…delusional much?
It’s just interesting that it took a chance meeting at a lesbian club and R’s presence in my life to help me put all the pieces together. And it’s even more interesting that while I was very okay with admitting I have a girlfriend, it’s quite…scary…saying all this now. But it’s how I feel. Being in a relationship with a woman is so much more fulfilling to me than any guy I’ve been with – or any guy I could ever be with.
Michael: In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.
Ah, the elusive third date. I’m trying to recall all the third dates I’ve had – and how they ended. As many of my regular readers [and real life friends] know, in my past dating exploits, I rarely got to the third date.
Actually, I think I only had proper third date sex once.
It was B, a guy I worked with – and the first guy I hooked up with after The Ex and I broke up. Though the first time we went out, it was just to a bar. The second time, he came over, spent the night, and we hung out all the next day. Twenty-four hours in total. That was a mega-date. Then the third time we hung out, he came over after work, and spent the night. It culminated in sex. He never called me to go out again, and five months later, I heard he got married.
Only one other guy I had sex with took me on a date. That was D. We met at Fenway. And even then, like with B, they were those borderline dates. We had sex on our second date. I awkwardly cried in bed before we went to sleep. He held me. I don’t remember why, but he was sweet. We had sex the next morning. He never called me to go out again, but I see him around the Park from time to time.
The other seven guys I had sex with were all drunken one-night stands. Two of the guys I was friends/acquaintances with before, but don’t really talk to now. Another guy lives in my neighborhood. He saw me with my girlfriend recently. He kissed her hand, said, “Hello, Gorgeous” and awkwardly walked away. The rest I am okay with never talking to again. Except one: he lives in Ireland. I still talk to him. He and I actually had sex two separate times [the only repeat performance], and I thought I was kind of in love with him. I even sort of proposed on our way to the train station. He accepted, too. So I think I might be engaged. If he lived here, and I didn’t have my girl, I might try to make something happen with him. He was the best sex with a guy I ever had.
On the other hand, there were several guys I went out with more than three times that I never had sex with. A couple last year, and more before I dated The Ex. The only reason I can think is that I just really wasn’t attracted to them. And maybe I really just wasn’t attracted to guys in general. When my girlfriend came back to my apartment after our first date, we made out. We hooked up the second night. I was very attracted to her. And even though at first it was awkward, and I wasn’t sure if she crazy or not, I liked her.
We’ve been together for almost 4 months. I can’t remember if we had sex on our third date. But you know…I don’t think it matters.
Why are issues about sexual orientation laws put to a vote, yet laws about rights for other minority groups are decided by the Supreme Court?
A brief and very incomplete timeline of important laws and court rulings:
- The Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution (1920): No one shall be denied the right to vote based on sex. Landmark case for women’s suffrage and rights movement.
- Brown v. Topeka Board of Education (1954): in a 9-0 ruling, the Supreme Court decided that “separate educational facilities are inherently unequal.” Landmark case for the Civil Rights Movement.
- Loving v. Virginia (1967): in a 9-0 vote, the Supreme Court overruled prior laws banning interracial marriage.
- Turner v. Safley (1987): prisoners have the right to marry. [Needless to say, in many states convicted felons lose their rights to vote for a period of time after their release from prison - and in Kentucky and Virginia, felons are denied the right to vote permanently.]
- Defense of Marriage Act (1996), Public Law No. 104-199, 110 Stat. 2419:
No state (or other political subdivision within the United States) needs to treat a relationship between persons of the same sex as a marriage, even if the relationship is considered a marriage in another state. The federal government defines marriage as a legal union exclusively between one man and one woman.
- Lawrence v. Texas (2003): sodomy is no longer illegal.
- Goodridge vs. Dept. of Health (2004): The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court found that the state may not “deny the protections, benefits and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry.” Chief Justice Margaret Marshall, writing for the majority, wrote that the state’s constitution “affirms the dignity and equality of all individuals. It forbids the creation of second-class citizens,” the state had no “constitutionally adequate reason for denying marriage to same-sex couples,” and “The right to marry is not a privilege conferred by the State, but a fundamental right that is protected against unwarranted State interference.” On the legal aspect, instead of creating a new fundamental right to marry, or more accurately the right to choose to marry, the Court held that the State does not have a rational basis to deny same-sex couples marriage on the ground of due process and equal protection.
Some countries with constitutional bans on gay marriage:
-Bulgaria
-Ukraine
-Democratic Republic of Congo
-Uganda
-Honduras
-Bolivia
-Paraguay
-Latvia
Countries that allow gay marriage:
-The Netherlands (2001): first country to legalize same-sex marriage
-Canada (2003)
-Belgium (2003)
-Spain (2005)
-South Africa (2006)
-Israel [foreign same-sex marriages recognized]
-Nepal [will be in new draft of constitution, as ordered by Supreme Court]
-Norway (2009)
-Sweden (2009)
Wouldn’t we – the US of A – rather be like Spain than Uganda? Like The Netherlands, and not like Latvia? Who even knows where Latvia is?? I do, but that’s not the point.
So why was Question 1 in Maine even raised? In May 2009, the Maine House and Senate passed the bill called “An Act To End Discrimination in Civil Marriage and Affirm Religious Freedom” and Governor Baldacci signed it into law. Then some groups, who felt threatened by gays being able to marry, petitioned to have the law repealed. It went to a vote, as Question 1 – as part of the checks-and-balance system of government we have. And the voters of Maine said, “Nope, we don’t want that extra 60 million dollars of revenue from your glitzy gay weddings, or thousand new jobs. Spend that homo money in Mass, you fag.”
What. The. Fuck.
Final thoughts:
If you don’t believe in gay marriage, then don’t get one and shut the fuck up.
I’m tired of hearing biblical arguments about this issue. 1) I don’t believe in the bible. 2) Marriage is a civil contract. 3) Is Britney Spears’ quickie marriage [and subsequent quickie divorce] really the kind of “sanctity of marriage” you want to uphold?
I’m tired. I’m drinking a beer. And I should really be asleep. I’m in bed, so that’s a good start.
I think I remember now why I made the switch. Because here’s the thing: I wait. I think. And I wait. And I think. And I wait…for what? Some kind of weird unknown? Yeah, this is the reminder of why I was done with all that. And things are totally good how they are. Why would I even be tempted to fall back into old ways?
We talked. She’s not crazy as I previously thought. She’s just getting used to: 1) dating, again; 2) dating a straight-ish girl; and 3) that aforementioned straight-ish girl. I’m no piece of cake myself.
It was February 2008. My first Boston winter blanketed the world in harsh steel gray. Clouds hid the sun, and the city was cold. So was I.
While I was in the midst of a sinking depression, my boyfriend could do nothing to help me. Scratch that – he just refused to help me. He was angry with me for the deep and dark thoughts I had. All he seemed to care about was his graduate school and studying law, and not me – the girl who supported his dreams and moved 800 miles from home to be with him. I usually sat in the living room, watching television, or pretending to care about my own studies, when in reality I was just waiting for him. To pay attention to me. To love me. To realize that, yes, I was still there. And that I was, in fact, waiting – putting myself on hold and my own life on the backburner for the sake of us.
Oh, that dreaded word. Us.
Us killed me.
It wasn’t completely his fault. I tend to blame him for much of my suffering, but I wanted us to be my life. I wanted so badly for someone to love me, and this guy seemed to. I traded all of myself for a chance at what I thought would be happiness. In retrospect, I see that I was blind.
On that cold February day, as I waited around for him to notice me, he suggested I go do something. I decided maybe he was right. I bundled up, and grabbed my iPod, and walked down the street towards the Prudential Center – which is filled with people and shops. Lots of things to do, buy, and look at.
With the white earbuds blocking out the street noises, I turned the iPod on and hit “play.” Of all the songs that played that afternoon, I can only remember one: “Bedshaped” by Keane.
As often happens with me, a particular song usually stands for a person, time, or certain event in my life. It’s never intentional, but just happens that way. I’m sure I had heard this song before this moment – but all I can remember is this particular day, this particular time I listened to it.
I felt gripped with anguish. This felt all too true for my life. I felt like I had fallen by the wayside of someone that I truly loved. It was painful, in-your-face, and very real. Very visceral.
I asked myself: “What do I know?” And I didn’t know the answer.
The afternoon concluded in gloominess. I don’t recall much else about the day.
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We broke up about a month later.
I could never listen to this song without being overtaken by sadness. And I really thought it would always be this way.
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It was July of 2009. My second Boston summer as a single woman was quickly coming to a close. The oppressive humidity of another overcast day turned to afternoon thunderstorms. I walked along Boylston Street, by the Public Garden, and admired the beauty of the city. The buildings stood tall, cutting into the low clouds. The people scurried about, with umbrellas and in good suits, dodging puddles while crossing the streets. In the garden, families sat on benches, and families of ducks cleaned themselves by the water.
I pulled out my white earbuds and my iPhone, scrolled through the playlist, and found it. I smiled. I hit “play.”
It was “Bedshaped.”
However, for some reason, today I wasn’t sad. As dreary as the day was, as stressful as this particular week had been, I was…happy.
Mainly because, for once, listening to this song didn’t make me sad. It made me realize that I am on my own, but by choice. No one is holding me down, and I’m not holding anyone else down. No one is leaving me by the wayside. No one thinks I don’t understand the same things that they do. No one is looking away from me.
This song is no longer true for my life.
Just reminds me that while things seem to always stay the same, little by little they can change, until one day you stop and really look – and you are a totally new person.
I feel like I now completely understand what men go through on a regular basis in dealing with us. We are insane. I now have a strengthened appreciation for men.
Yeah, who saw that coming? I’m appreciating men – not bitching about them?? I must be in Bizarro World…
