Brain Explosion, Part I

Since I got home from Philadelphia on June 14, I’ve been working incessantly. Much to my chagrin, actually — I love having massive amounts of free time to doodle, dream, drink and craft [not necessarily in that order]. Oh, and sleep. But the money is nice, and I actually really enjoy my job — I was at the NBA finals game 6, and got paid to be there. Yeah. Amazing. Go Celtics!

Through all this, though, I’ve managed to bring my little orange notebook with me most of the time, and have made a conscious effort to write — since “writing” should be the necessary gerund of a writer wanna-be.

That’s right. I used the word “gerund.”

Anyway, I thought maybe it was time to get some of those thoughts out of the little orange notebook and into the Interwebs. Here goes.

From 6.11.08 Brain Explosion, Part I

What if I just sit here and write and don’t stop writing? Maybe something amazing will surface. Maybe I don’t need a prompt, or an idea, or even a start point — maybe all I need to do is form words with little strokes of this ink pen, until I form some that are pretty and make me sit back with delight and say, “Hmm, yes. This pleases me.” I know there are magical words floating around in my head. I can see them. I can feel them. I can even hear them. I think that means I am a little bit crazy — but like I said earlier, “I went crazy to avoid going crazy.” Sometimes all you can do is cope — and sometimes all you can do to cope to abandon that life you had before, abandon all hope of that future you wanted and gambled everything for, and lost — and just go running and screaming and jump into the arms and embrace this newness, this change, your new life. New direction. And tell yourself it’s OK — no, no. It’s good. It’s better. It’s an improvement over that unhappiness and self-doubt and holy shit, how did you do that for so long, and why, why did you squash yourself — let alone his squashing — why did you try to commit personality suicide?? Don’t do that, ever again! No one is worth giving up your you-ness. Don’t give up you! Don’t give up on you, either. And now, being armed and ready, I’m fighting for me now. Just me. And it is so, so great. I’m refocused. I see myself differently now, and do not want to go back into that fire — that sweltering, burning place that almost destroyed me before. I will only go into the fire for my dreams — I’m making them happen, one step at a time. One step at a time. One tiny step at a time…

Writing. Thinking. Putting it down.

THIS IS STEP 1.