FOUND: two silicone-filled breast enhancers. Spotted on the shores of Nantasket Beach, Massachusetts, at low tide, approximately 15 feet apart. Originally mistaken for jellyfish.
This scenario left a lot of questions that my crazy mind decided to answer. Here’s how I imagine the situation going down:
Deborah, a 36-year old single math teacher at Hull High School, is convinced by her friend, Lucy, to meet her boyfriend John’s coworker, Tad. Deb is a little wary, especially since her last three blind dates ended in disaster [could that tax attorney have been any more boring?] However, after bribes of dinner and free cat-sitting next time she goes out of town to visit her parents in New York, Deb agrees. She’s in good shape, a triathlete – but there’s not much to speak of the in the breast department. So when she goes to try on her bathing suit before the date [how she was convinced to have a blind beach date is beyond me], she does something she will later regret. In the second drawer of her bureau, next to her bras and fancy lingerie [relics of that six-month engagement in 2004] are her falsies, also known amongst her friends as “chicken fillets.” The dress Deb’s sister picked out for her to wear as maid-of-honor at her June wedding last year necessitated them – the halter top looked just too empty. Only worn that once, and successfully, she decided to give them another try. She thought, ‘Halter dress, halter-top bikini. Same thing.’ They all met at Lucy’s house in Hingham, and carpooled to the beach. Arriving at 10:30 in the morning, while high tide still covered most of the beach, they managed to find a good spot, set up chairs and towels, slathered themselves with sunblock and got down to the business of enjoying the beautiful day. Deb felt confident and sexy, filling out her bikini. She chatted with Tad, laughed and flirted. ‘What a good idea,’ she thought. ‘This fake cleavage looks awesome.’ After an hour or so, the July sun became overwhelming, and Deb and Lucy decided to take a dip in the cool, refreshing Atlantic. Tad and John watched from the shore, sipping on Sam Summers. While floating in the waves, Deb told Lucy how cute she thought Tad was, and funny – not like the other accountants she had known. The girls were facing the beach, waving, when a huge wave came up behind them and rolled them both over. Lucy recovered, but Deb’s top was not securely fastened [she forgot to double-knot it], and it fell off. It floated by and Lucy grabbed it, but neither recovered the falsies. They searched for several minutes, but the tumultuous waves had washed them several dozen feet away, never to be seen by Deb again. She realized she couldn’t hide in the water all day, so the girls emerged from the ocean, although they were not quite sure how to address Deb’s sudden change. Tad questioned, ‘What…happened?’ noticing Deb’s new lack of cleavage. A brief pause, then Deb’s blaring honesty: ‘Well, the wave knocked off my bathing suit top, and I lost my falsies. [Sigh] There.’ She laughs, and they all laugh. They unpack their lunch of turkey pitas and fruit, Deb pops open a beer, takes a big swig, and smiles at Tad. He smiles back, admiring her courage and honesty, and thinks to himself, ‘Wow, she’s incredible. I’m going to marry this woman.’ Waves crash in the distance, the tide on its way out. The foursome enjoys a few more hours at the beach, then depart. At low tide, someone will discover Deb’s secret, lying on the shore. But she won’t care.
