I hope that isn’t true. I’m 1/4 Italian, and thus once I am over the initial burn of the summer [thanks, English ancestry!] I usually turn between a nice golden shade of brown, up to what some may refer to as “Dominican.” Conversely, my usually dark blonde hair becomes lighter and lighter with more frequent sun exposure, and by August I tend to look like a photo negative.
Not this year, though.
Since I moved north last fall, I spent a remarkably cold winter bundled up, covering every inch of my skin until just a few weeks ago [put it this way, I was wearing gloves at a Sox game in May = travesty]. Usually by February in my home state of North Carolina, I’d be exposing at least my arms and shins to the sun’s rays. By May, we’re all practically naked, lazing around in that Southern humidity, hunting, driving slow, eating barbecue sandwiches…you know, the stereotypical activities.
My current job allows me some time outside, taking pictures. So I get a little vitamin D on a nice day. Taking stock of my reflection in the mirror this afternoon, I noticed that my arms are finally not glowing fluorescent anymore. My cheeks have a healthy dose of color. I am feeling good about this.
Until I got home and switched my pants for a skirt and looked down. Holy hell. My legs are practically translucent! What shall I do? I have options:
1) Go sit outside immediately. There’s a park across the street. Or go to the coffee shop down the hill and sit outside. Wait. Results: You may be tan, after a few days dedicated solely to sun bathing. Can also use time outside to write. Oh, joy! Downside: You may scare the locals and frighten puppies on the way out of the apartment building until tanning has occurred. Not attractive.
2) Go to the bathroom and find that bottle of self-tanner [or "tan in a can" as it is sometimes referred]. Apply liberally and often. Wait 3 hours. Reevaluate. Results: More instant. Decreased probability of blinding innocent passers-by when light is reflected off aforementioned horrifyingly pale legs. Downside: Increased probability of streaky orange legs. Not attractive.
3) Whine about it some more. Results: None. Downside: No one wants to hear that shit. Lock it up.
4) Put pants back on to cover up evidence of paleness. Results: Quick-fix! Downside: Don’t know about where you live, but it’s hot as balls in Boston today. Pants + end of June = not good.
So perhaps for now I will pull out that bottle of wine I started on last night and forbade myself from finishing, say screw it, and care less and less about my translucency with each sip…
Yep. Alcohol solves all problems.
Well, except maybe alcohol problems.
